Outfit Post: Aspirational-sized clothes = self-esteem killer.

While out thrifting on a Sunday night, I unearthed the most gorgeous vintage chambray skirt. Without a second thought, I plunked down $1.79 at the register and excitedly raced home. As I searched my closet for a hanger, my fingers just happened to glance on the hem of another skirt. A chambray skirt. Almost exactly like the one I'd just purchased. Clearly, the time had come to purge my closet.

I own many things that are sartorially sinful. Like those outdated preppy button-downs I had purchased for a failed career as an executive assistant (don't ask.) And that gauzy peasant skirt from the one week I decided I was meant to be a gypsy. And those miniskirts I used to tart around in back in my early twenties which truthfully would make better Swiffer pads today.

So, I purged. I purged like I never have. Gone! went the thin v-neck sweater that magically made my small B's  look like medium C's. Gone! to the leopard-print miniskirt that I thought would go with ANYTHING but turned out to be wrong with everything. Gone! to the cropped jeans, and the silver python print heels that killed my feet, and the psychedelic print maxi dress that recalled a particularly hallucinogenic scene from Across the Universe.

Most of the stuff was easy to ditch. But the clothes that were especially difficult to part with were those in aspirational-sizes, clothes I held onto purely for their ability to self-flagellate. Peer into a woman's closet and you'll almost certainly discover a cashe of someday-I-will-wear-this outfits. In 2006, a Talbots National Fit Study poll asked 2,200 women ranging in age from 35 to 65 about their clothes-buying habits. Here's what they found:

• More than 33 percent admitted to having clothes in their closet that were too small for them to wear; and 
• Forty percent purchased clothes that were too small in hopes that they would one day be able to wear them after losing weight.

As I looked at my pile of too-small clothes I wondered if holding onto these items actually helped women lose weight, or if they just resulted in increased negative body image. So I did a bit of research and came up with a compelling list of reasons why keeping too-tight clothes actually hurts your self-esteem.

• These clothes are a constant reminder that you're not at your "ideal size". While this thinking might seem motivating, it actually leads to lower self-esteem and self-worth. Whether your body has changed as a result of childbearing, illness, aging or weight gain/loss, holding onto too-small clothes does nothing to help you accept your body as it is today. 
• Too-small clothing makes you feel like a failure. End of story. It doesn't matter if you're making progress on a weight-loss regime. Just as many people rely too heavily on the scale to measure their success, trying on clothes that don't fit can set you up for failure, too. The scale - or the size of your jeans - doesn't necessarily determine your progress accurately. 
• Holding onto aspirational-sized clothing could result in unsafe, and potentially dangerous, dieting practices. During my lowest points in my struggle with anorexia, I used pre-teen sized clothing to measure my descent into illness. One of the bravest things I ever did in my recovery was burning these clothes. Literally. I threw them into a bonfire while in treatment. And I haven't missed them since. 
• Longing for your former figure can prevent you from finding true happiness today. According to a February 2003 study in the American Journal of Psychiatry, a fear of failure drives many women to starve themselves back into smaller sized clothing. Instead of embracing who they are today, they focus their attention on getting back to the size they once were.
  

My too-small clothes existed to shame me into starvation and induce guilt about anything I put in my mouth. These clothes taunted me into a downward spiral of decreased self confidence, disgust and despair. Getting rid of them was a symbol of reclaiming my self-esteem. And it doesn't hurt that I have more room in my closet now.

I ask you - does your closet contain too-small clothing? Why do you believe you hold onto these items? Have you ever considered getting rid of hem? What would a closet purge mean to you?

Thrifted Ralph Lauren linen shirt; thrifted Ellen Tracy silk skirt; Gap sandals; thrifted vintage Coach satchel; Old Navy belt; Plato's Closet leather bracelet; Michael Kors rose gold watch

Outfit Post - Gossip: Relationship poison or societal blessing?

My relationships with other women haven't been easy. I've struggled to avoid seeing other women as competition. I've had issues with confrontation. I've also battled insecurity, especially when I feared I was more attached to the friend that she was to me. However, the friendships I've had that crashed and burned the hardest all had one element in common: gossip. Former "friends" have spread gossip about my tattoos, my eating disorder, the way I dress, and the ways in which I raise my children.

Whether we're talking about our friends, our work acquaintances, or our family members, it seems only a matter of time before someone says something negative about someone else. Gossip is everywhere. At last count, over 40 newspaper columns, dozens of magazines, 50 television talk shows, and three major tabloids are spreading the word. In addition, there's gossip via cyberspace and, of course, old-fashioned word of mouth.

The dictionary defines gossip simply as "chatty talk; the reporting of sensational or intimate information." It's most often perceived as a dangerous practice that can ruin reputations, poison relationships, and halt careers. We gossip for a number of reasons:

• It gives us a feeling of fitting in with others: Gossip is like telling a secret with someone else, which means you trust the person you're talking to. 
• It helps us process our experiences: According to Irina Firstein, LCSW, a relationship expert: "Women have a need to share their experiences with another person, much more so than men," she says. "Gossip helps us dissect and digest what's happening with us."   
• It helps us validate our feelings: When you're looking for empathy for your point of view, it helps to commiserate with a friend and talk about the person (or people) who have wronged you. You want your feelings to be reaffirmed. 
• It is a learned trait: You might have seen it in your mother, or older siblings, or  childhood friends you admired. By the time you entered middle school, you probably learned that gossip is a key element in female relationships. 

The most important (and dangerous) function of gossip is that it creates a false sense of closeness from sharing negative information. In one study, participants rated a college professor they had taken. They then were told that someone else (presumably in the next room) felt the same way about the professor. When the attitudes shared were negative, the participant reported feeling more familiar with the person they believed was in the other room. In other words, holding shared negative views about someone created feelings conducive to friendship and closeness.

However, some researchers are contending that that gossip is actually more beneficial than it gets credit for, and is a universal glue that holds us closer together. "For a real understanding of our social environment, gossip is essential," agrees Jack Levin, Ph.D., professor of sociology and criminology at Boston's Northeastern University and coauthor of Gossip: The Inside Scoop. "Its primary function is to help us make social comparisons. For example, if we read bad news about celebrities in the tabloids, or get into the gruesome details of our neighbor's misery over a cup of coffee, our own problems begin to pale in comparison."

Gossip, researchers argue, teaches us how to behave, determines our standing in the community, keeps us connected to one another and weeds out liars and cheats. Nearly two-thirds of adult conversation is devoted to people who aren't in the room, which translates to more than two hours a day. Some researchers believe that without indirect evaluations of other people's behavior, society would simply fall apart.

How has your life been affected by gossip? Has gossip permanently affected the relationships you've had with other women? Are you inclined to agree with researchers that gossip might have beneficial effects?

Thrifted Ralph Lauren silk top; thrifted vintage skirt; Buffalo Exchange python clutch; Gap sandals; TIKKR watch; Buffalo Exchange turquoise necklace; Charming Charlie silver necklace

Monday morning//

All you need is right here.  Now go have a great day.

GunsBlazing//RalphLauren