My relationships with other women haven't been easy. I've struggled to avoid seeing other women as competition. I've had issues with confrontation. I've also battled insecurity, especially when I feared I was more attached to the friend that she was to me. However, the friendships I've had that crashed and burned the hardest all had one element in common: gossip. Former "friends" have spread gossip about my tattoos, my eating disorder, the way I dress, and the ways in which I raise my children.
Whether we're talking about our friends, our work acquaintances, or our family members, it seems only a matter of time before someone says something negative about someone else. Gossip is everywhere. At last count, over 40 newspaper columns, dozens of magazines, 50 television talk shows, and three major tabloids are spreading the word. In addition, there's gossip via cyberspace and, of course, old-fashioned word of mouth.
The dictionary defines gossip simply as "chatty talk; the reporting of sensational or intimate information." It's most often perceived as a dangerous practice that can ruin reputations, poison relationships, and halt careers. We gossip for a number of reasons:
The most important (and dangerous) function of gossip is that it creates a false sense of closeness from sharing negative information. In one study, participants rated a college professor they had taken. They then were told that someone else (presumably in the next room) felt the same way about the professor. When the attitudes shared were negative, the participant reported feeling more familiar with the person they believed was in the other room. In other words, holding shared negative views about someone created feelings conducive to friendship and closeness.
Whether we're talking about our friends, our work acquaintances, or our family members, it seems only a matter of time before someone says something negative about someone else. Gossip is everywhere. At last count, over 40 newspaper columns, dozens of magazines, 50 television talk shows, and three major tabloids are spreading the word. In addition, there's gossip via cyberspace and, of course, old-fashioned word of mouth.
The dictionary defines gossip simply as "chatty talk; the reporting of sensational or intimate information." It's most often perceived as a dangerous practice that can ruin reputations, poison relationships, and halt careers. We gossip for a number of reasons:
- It gives us a feeling of fitting in with others: Gossip is like telling a secret with someone else, which means you trust the person you're talking to.
- It helps us process our experiences: According to Irina Firstein, LCSW, a relationship expert: "Women have a need to share their experiences with another person, much more so than men," she says. "Gossip helps us dissect and digest what's happening with us."
- It helps us validate our feelings: When you're looking for empathy for your point of view, it helps to commiserate with a friend and talk about the person (or people) who have wronged you. You want your feelings to be reaffirmed.
- It is a learned trait: You might have seen it in your mother, or older siblings, or childhood friends you admired. By the time you entered middle school, you probably learned that gossip is a key element in female relationships.
The most important (and dangerous) function of gossip is that it creates a false sense of closeness from sharing negative information. In one study, participants rated a college professor they had taken. They then were told that someone else (presumably in the next room) felt the same way about the professor. When the attitudes shared were negative, the participant reported feeling more familiar with the person they believed was in the other room. In other words, holding shared negative views about someone created feelings conducive to friendship and closeness.
However, some researchers are contending that that gossip is actually more beneficial than it gets credit for, and is a universal glue that holds us closer together. "For a real understanding of our social environment, gossip is essential," agrees Jack Levin, Ph.D., professor of sociology and criminology at Boston's Northeastern University and coauthor of Gossip: The Inside Scoop. "Its primary function is to help us make social comparisons. For example, if we read bad news about celebrities in the tabloids, or get into the gruesome details of our neighbor's misery over a cup of coffee, our own problems begin to pale in comparison."
Gossip, researchers argue, teaches us how to behave, determines our standing in the community, keeps us connected to one another and weeds out liars and cheats. Nearly two-thirds of adult conversation is devoted to people who aren't in the room, which translates to more than two hours a day. Some researchers believe that without indirect evaluations of other people's behavior, society would simply fall apart.
How has your life been affected by gossip? Has gossip permanently affected the relationships you've had with other women? Are you inclined to agree with researchers that gossip might have beneficial effects?
Gossip, researchers argue, teaches us how to behave, determines our standing in the community, keeps us connected to one another and weeds out liars and cheats. Nearly two-thirds of adult conversation is devoted to people who aren't in the room, which translates to more than two hours a day. Some researchers believe that without indirect evaluations of other people's behavior, society would simply fall apart.
How has your life been affected by gossip? Has gossip permanently affected the relationships you've had with other women? Are you inclined to agree with researchers that gossip might have beneficial effects?
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