Allow me to being this post with a description of my typical evening routine. I have put my children to bed and returned lingering toys to their rightful home. I change into an ancient oversized tee, remove my jewelry, take out my contacts, wash my face, and turn on my bedside lamp. My Kindle waits patiently on my bedside table. I climb into the warm, welcoming embrace of my bed, pull the covers up to my chin, and settle in for what I hope to be a solid night's sleep.
It starts innocently enough. I have a new book to read. A book which cost twelve bucks for my Kindle. Did I really need to spend money on a new book? I shouldn't have done that. The library is a few miles down the road, and I probably could've borrowed the book for free. We're trying to save money for a family vacation and here I am, sabotaging those plans. And what about the money I spent on thrifting this week? And the money that went towards a new swim suit at Target? That was wrong too. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I feel terrible. I am a terrible, horrible, irresponsible person. I can't do anything right.
Before I know it, it's one am and I'm no closer to falling asleep than I was when I first got into bed.
This is only one example of the guilt I carry around with me. Truthfully, I feel guilty all the time. I feel guilty about that extra slice of pizza I scarfed down at dinner. I feel guilty for skipping a run last night. I feel guilty for not taking my kids to museums more often, for not keeping a perfectly clean house, for spending too much time on the computer, for speeding on the highway. No matter the offense, you can bet my conscious is paying for it.
Ninety-six percent of women feel guilty at least once a day, and sometimes as much as four times a day. My guilt attacks tends to come at night, when I have time to ruminate on all the ways in which I've screwed up. Guilt is defined as a feeling of culpability for offenses. When we feel responsible for an action we regret, those feelings translate into guilt. Guilt says "I've done something wrong, or made a mistake" and is often combined with remorse. (Note: Guilt and shame are often confused. Shame says "I am a mistake" and is a toxic, harmful emotion that eats away at your self-esteem. Guilt concerns what you did; shame is a judgment about who you are.)
Guilt serves its purposes sometimes. It helps us know when things are morally amiss in our lives, and can trigger the desire to make amends. But women take guilt to a whole new level. Women feel guilty because we can't be successful career professionals, perfect students, glamorous girlfriends with perfect bodies, style icons, and public servants all at the same time. Instead of noticing the good we do, we let the things we can't do immobilize us until we feel guilty most of the time. Symptoms of this mindset include:
Susan Carrell, author of Escaping Toxic Guilt, said: "Women feel guilt when they don’t think they are being good enough in their various roles – especially as wife, mother and daughter. That’s because familial, cultural and religious tenets teach women that being “good” is the most important thing. When a woman feels she is not putting another first, she quickly feels like she’s doing something bad, and then guilt rushes in." Women are more likely than men to internalise faults and admit to feeling guilty because “I am stupid", "I am a failure", and "I can't do anything right."
Guilt is a useless, toxic emotion, and serves only to shame us and point out our flaws. The only way around it is to give ourselves permission to be human. That means accepting our mistakes and refusing to allow them to define who we are.
Now it's your turn: Do you struggle with feeling guilty? What are some things you often feel guilty about? Where do you think your issues with guilt stem from? Has guilt impacted your relationships?
It starts innocently enough. I have a new book to read. A book which cost twelve bucks for my Kindle. Did I really need to spend money on a new book? I shouldn't have done that. The library is a few miles down the road, and I probably could've borrowed the book for free. We're trying to save money for a family vacation and here I am, sabotaging those plans. And what about the money I spent on thrifting this week? And the money that went towards a new swim suit at Target? That was wrong too. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I feel terrible. I am a terrible, horrible, irresponsible person. I can't do anything right.
Before I know it, it's one am and I'm no closer to falling asleep than I was when I first got into bed.
This is only one example of the guilt I carry around with me. Truthfully, I feel guilty all the time. I feel guilty about that extra slice of pizza I scarfed down at dinner. I feel guilty for skipping a run last night. I feel guilty for not taking my kids to museums more often, for not keeping a perfectly clean house, for spending too much time on the computer, for speeding on the highway. No matter the offense, you can bet my conscious is paying for it.
Ninety-six percent of women feel guilty at least once a day, and sometimes as much as four times a day. My guilt attacks tends to come at night, when I have time to ruminate on all the ways in which I've screwed up. Guilt is defined as a feeling of culpability for offenses. When we feel responsible for an action we regret, those feelings translate into guilt. Guilt says "I've done something wrong, or made a mistake" and is often combined with remorse. (Note: Guilt and shame are often confused. Shame says "I am a mistake" and is a toxic, harmful emotion that eats away at your self-esteem. Guilt concerns what you did; shame is a judgment about who you are.)
Guilt serves its purposes sometimes. It helps us know when things are morally amiss in our lives, and can trigger the desire to make amends. But women take guilt to a whole new level. Women feel guilty because we can't be successful career professionals, perfect students, glamorous girlfriends with perfect bodies, style icons, and public servants all at the same time. Instead of noticing the good we do, we let the things we can't do immobilize us until we feel guilty most of the time. Symptoms of this mindset include:
- Feelings of inferiority. ''Other women pull all this off, why can't I?''
- Feelings of inadequacy. ''I have no talents, look at so-and-so, she's just so talented, but I can't do anything.''
- Feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. ''Nothing I do really matters, so why try?''
- Feelings of martyrdom. ''All I do is wait on everyone else – my husband, my spouse, my work clients, my children. I never get any me time and if I do, I just feel guilty for taking it.''
Susan Carrell, author of Escaping Toxic Guilt, said: "Women feel guilt when they don’t think they are being good enough in their various roles – especially as wife, mother and daughter. That’s because familial, cultural and religious tenets teach women that being “good” is the most important thing. When a woman feels she is not putting another first, she quickly feels like she’s doing something bad, and then guilt rushes in." Women are more likely than men to internalise faults and admit to feeling guilty because “I am stupid", "I am a failure", and "I can't do anything right."
Guilt is a useless, toxic emotion, and serves only to shame us and point out our flaws. The only way around it is to give ourselves permission to be human. That means accepting our mistakes and refusing to allow them to define who we are.
Now it's your turn: Do you struggle with feeling guilty? What are some things you often feel guilty about? Where do you think your issues with guilt stem from? Has guilt impacted your relationships?
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| Thrifted silk top; thrifted vintage 1950's skirt; H&M sandals; estate sale clutch; Michael Kors rose gold watch; Charming Charlie and forever 21 bracelets |
Get the look:
I want to put a big wet cum stain in that skirt
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