Yesterday I read Beautifully Invisible's post about why women are (at times) their worst enemy. Her words regarding body shaming, labeling, and the pervasive "us versus them" mentality shook me to my core. Today I'm going to talk about a related issue that is common with every single woman out there. Whether you feel it, or someone feels it against you, no one can deny that it exists.
Competition amongst us.
Age has no bearing. It doesn't matter if you're a little girl ("She has four Barbies; I have to get six") or older woman ("She just got Botox and has a smoother forehead; I have to get a face-lift and look younger than she does.") Or perhaps, "Her blog has more followers than mine does", "She always looks perfect", "She's so skinny, I could never look like that", "She gets invited to more events than I do" , "She has more sponsors than I do", "Gosh, I wish I could...."
Gender expert Susan Shapiro Barash interviewed 500 women in the United States on their views regarding competition. Here are some highlights:
90 percent admit they are (or have been) envious and jealous of other women in their lives.
65 percent say they feel that way about their sister or best friend.
80 percent say they have been victims of another woman’s envy or jealousy.
And 90 percent of women say the toughest workplace competition comes from women, not men.
Don't get me wrong - there are some positives to being competitive. Competition drives us to be better. It encourages creativity. It pushes us to keep improving. It can give us a chance to collaborate and create something better.
Unfortunately, competition between women is rarely displayed in a healthy, positive way. Women are conditioned to be peacemakers, to get along with others and avoid conflict. We are taught that anger, hostility, and jealousy are emotions to be avoided and even feared. Competition is best left to the boys, we're told, with their sports and career climbing and quest for the most attractive partner (which is partially responsible for the higher male mortality rate.) A study by Stanford University economist and guest presenter Muriel Niederle shows that women actively look for ways to avoid conflict and competition, even when they know they deserve to win. So we learn to inhibit and repress our competitive urges. Over time, these feelings build up. What could have been healthy competition becomes a secret feeling of envy and desire for the other to fail - often laced with guilt and shame.
Ultimately, competition results in a feeling of inadequacy. You feel inferior because you don't measure up, and that leads to resentment, anger, and bitterness. When you get into the rut of comparing and competing, you lose who you really are. Even worse, competition pits us against one another. It forces us to each each other as enemies and sabotages intimacy and trust.
One only glance at my history to see the battle I've had with competition. My twenty-year struggle with anorexia and bulimia was largely about competition - to be the thinnest, the "most perfect" anorexic, the most in control over what I ate (and didn't eat.) As long as I was losing weight, I felt powerful over other women. In my starved brain, being the thinnest made me the best. It meant I had won.
I can’t help but wonder if women are competitive in the blogging and career worlds because they believe the rewards are limited - that there is a maximum amount of success available. That simply isn’t true. There is enough pie for all of us to get a piece, and there’s no need for us to guard our piece viciously, snapping at anyone who comes near it. We all have something of value to offer. Your competition should be your own goals, your own mission, your own values, and what you hope to accomplish. All you can do is try, work hard, and be the best you can be.
I have learned the hard way that you cannot control what successes others find, and you shouldn’t want to. Be happy when others find success. Sure, you can have that blinking moment of jealousy, but let it roll right over you and smile. Know that if another blogger’s found it, that simply means you can to.
Don't judge. Don't compare. Don't belittle people's lives or feelings. When someone acts ugly out of jealousy, it really hurts. It damages relationships, lives, and spirit. And you know that beauty everyone has? When jealousy comes out, the beauty goes away.
What are your thoughts on competition between women? Do you believe we can find a healthy way to be competitive with each other without becoming mean or passive-aggressive? Do you look for ways to avoid competition with other women? Has competition ever affected your relationships with female friends?
Competition amongst us.
Age has no bearing. It doesn't matter if you're a little girl ("She has four Barbies; I have to get six") or older woman ("She just got Botox and has a smoother forehead; I have to get a face-lift and look younger than she does.") Or perhaps, "Her blog has more followers than mine does", "She always looks perfect", "She's so skinny, I could never look like that", "She gets invited to more events than I do" , "She has more sponsors than I do", "Gosh, I wish I could...."
Gender expert Susan Shapiro Barash interviewed 500 women in the United States on their views regarding competition. Here are some highlights:
90 percent admit they are (or have been) envious and jealous of other women in their lives.
65 percent say they feel that way about their sister or best friend.
80 percent say they have been victims of another woman’s envy or jealousy.
And 90 percent of women say the toughest workplace competition comes from women, not men.
Don't get me wrong - there are some positives to being competitive. Competition drives us to be better. It encourages creativity. It pushes us to keep improving. It can give us a chance to collaborate and create something better.
Unfortunately, competition between women is rarely displayed in a healthy, positive way. Women are conditioned to be peacemakers, to get along with others and avoid conflict. We are taught that anger, hostility, and jealousy are emotions to be avoided and even feared. Competition is best left to the boys, we're told, with their sports and career climbing and quest for the most attractive partner (which is partially responsible for the higher male mortality rate.) A study by Stanford University economist and guest presenter Muriel Niederle shows that women actively look for ways to avoid conflict and competition, even when they know they deserve to win. So we learn to inhibit and repress our competitive urges. Over time, these feelings build up. What could have been healthy competition becomes a secret feeling of envy and desire for the other to fail - often laced with guilt and shame.
Ultimately, competition results in a feeling of inadequacy. You feel inferior because you don't measure up, and that leads to resentment, anger, and bitterness. When you get into the rut of comparing and competing, you lose who you really are. Even worse, competition pits us against one another. It forces us to each each other as enemies and sabotages intimacy and trust.
One only glance at my history to see the battle I've had with competition. My twenty-year struggle with anorexia and bulimia was largely about competition - to be the thinnest, the "most perfect" anorexic, the most in control over what I ate (and didn't eat.) As long as I was losing weight, I felt powerful over other women. In my starved brain, being the thinnest made me the best. It meant I had won.
I can’t help but wonder if women are competitive in the blogging and career worlds because they believe the rewards are limited - that there is a maximum amount of success available. That simply isn’t true. There is enough pie for all of us to get a piece, and there’s no need for us to guard our piece viciously, snapping at anyone who comes near it. We all have something of value to offer. Your competition should be your own goals, your own mission, your own values, and what you hope to accomplish. All you can do is try, work hard, and be the best you can be.
I have learned the hard way that you cannot control what successes others find, and you shouldn’t want to. Be happy when others find success. Sure, you can have that blinking moment of jealousy, but let it roll right over you and smile. Know that if another blogger’s found it, that simply means you can to.
Don't judge. Don't compare. Don't belittle people's lives or feelings. When someone acts ugly out of jealousy, it really hurts. It damages relationships, lives, and spirit. And you know that beauty everyone has? When jealousy comes out, the beauty goes away.
What are your thoughts on competition between women? Do you believe we can find a healthy way to be competitive with each other without becoming mean or passive-aggressive? Do you look for ways to avoid competition with other women? Has competition ever affected your relationships with female friends?
 |
| Thrifted Michael Stars top; thrifted vintage skirt; White Mountain sandals; Forever 21 necklace; estate sale clutch; TIKKR watch |
I'd love to put my hand up that skirt
ReplyDelete