An open letter to L'Oreal Preference hair color

Dear box of L'Oreal Preference hair color in Intense Red Copper,

L'Oreal, you probably know that not every woman is ready to take hair coloring into her own hands. But like Spam and bicycling to work, home hair color appears to be that rare thing that's become more appealing due to the recession. Asked how the economy had changed their spending habits, 15 percent of 1,000 American women who have their hair colored professionally said they now color it at home, according to a recent survey by Mintel, a market research firm. Another company, Information Resources, said dollar sales of a popular Clairol product, Root Touch-up, have shot up 20 percent.

My hair and I, we've been through it. There was that summer when I was pregnant with my daughter and spontaneously decided to lop it off into a whimsical pixie cut. I looked like I had a pea-sized head on top of a watermelon-sized body. Then there were the years I bleached my hair into a color and texture that can only be referred to as "skanky." And let's not forget a childhood of waist-length locks, combed into submission each morning by my evil, horrible, utterly sadistic mother. I am fairly certain I've earned a diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder due to that.

In high school I discovered henna hair dye. This was a big deal. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing cooler than coloring your hair. I thought that doing so would automatically transform me into an entirely different person, someone sophisticated and chic - someone exactly like the women I observed on the subway in the morning. They wore red lipstick and walked with a confident sway, probably off to their glamorous jobs as beauty editors of fashion magazines like Vogue or Sassy where they drank martinis and ate sushi for lunch and met their investment bankers at cool downtown clubs and ran half marathons just for fun. Essentially, a new hair color would make me happier than a Lisa Frank binder. I could. Not. Wait.

Sadly, henna hair color didn't turn me into a glamorous magazine editor. But it did make my hair resemble a pile of rusted nail abandoned on the side of the highway. I needed to step things up. So I waltzed into Duane Reade and plunked down $6 for a box of L'Oreal Preference hair color in a shade of red so shocking it was certain to both piss off my mother and stop traffic. A win-win. I've been loyal to L'Oreal ever since, and now you, dear readers, know my secret. I should have shared it with you a long time ago but I didn't because 1) it's my secret, and 2) sometimes I imagine I'm a Pretty Little Liars cast member with a mysterious past and give all the haters in my laptop evil side eye all day because they're trying to figure out what my secret is and I'm like, step off haters.

Anyways. L'Oreal box of hair color, we've had some interesting times. Yes, you once "accidentally" turned my fingernails a shade of red undeniably close to that of blood  (which horrified my manicurist, a perfectly lovely woman who unfortunately plucks out her eyebrows and draws them back in with pencil. And by the way, *nothing* scares me more than a woman who plucks her eyebrows out and pencils them back in. For reals.) Ahem. Hair color, you're leaked onto my towels and stained a perfectly good bathmat, thanxmuch. But you've transformed me into an exotic creature, fiery and spicy. You've given my hair a color so saturated, so vibrant, it can be recognized in the dark. With my red hair I am Christina Hendricks, also known as The Sexiest Woman Alive. I am sultry curves and smokey voiced and can really, really fill out a wiggle dress. Men are positively enraptured. They turn their heads when they see me saunter by. Okay, they gawk as I trip over a napkin at Starbucks. But whatever.

So thanks, L'Oreal Preference hair color. You complete me. You are the wind beneath my wings. You make me feel like a natural woman. You raise me up.

Fondly,
E.

(P.S: This post is not endorsed or sponsored by L'Oreal. L'Oreal has no idea who I am. I could disappear off the face of the earth tomorrow and L'Oreal would have no clue.)

Have you ever colored your hair at home? Did you like the results, or were you horrified?  What shades have you tried? Will you swear your undying loyalty to a certain brand and share it with us? Pretty please???

In case you missed it:

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